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i envy males.
Sunday, October 4, 2009 @ 9:04 AM
i've been dwelling on this topic for the whole week.
just thinking, mind you.
i haven't tried anything funny.
Topic of the week:
How do you wear a tampon?or maybe i should replace 'you' for females.
haha, well, why? you ask.
BECAUSE i was being a tad despo on a fine saturday when i would, once again, officially miss my swimming.
(okay, i don't know what got me so desperate that i decided to TRY alternatives.)
sooo, i asked my mum for a tampon.
and my gosh. it was the very first time i set my eyes on one.
here's how it went:
1. opens the box
2. something popped out.
3. *looks closely*
4. happily take out one.
5. read the information on the box
6. realised i had made a BIG mistake
7. *silent scream* -goes 'wahlaoooooooooo.'
1st impression: long, tubular, stick-like and they were like christmas candycanes, except for the gross paper wrapper.
2nd impression: there was this line which said
'ATTENTION: Tampons are associated with Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS), a rare but serious disease which can cause death.'and ironically, just above it,
there was this statement which said
TAMPAX
Protection you can trust.i was like 'WHAT?! wth.'
and there were no instructions.
(on how to use it or whatsoever.)
Based on general knowledge, (which came from my mum), i knew there was some form of insertion which had to take place.
'you have to insert the tampon
somewhere,' she said.
uh huh.
and the question was '
WHERE?'
her answer:
'you'll know where.'
when i gave the blur look, she told me, 'use it when you get older la.'
when i became persistent, she told me that i had to 'relax before inserting.'
??????? question marks.
Equipped with vague information, i decided to give the green light.
pumped up and ready, i tore open the clinical-looking white wrapper and TO MY HORROR, i realised the tampon was not what i thought as 'tablet-like' or 'pill-like'.
instead, it was this whole roll of 'absorbent rayon tissue fibre' or whatever thet called it, which was MUCH longer than i had expected.
to add on to the shit i realised i had created, it had approx. a diameter of around 1.5 cm. so freaking thick?!!?
i stared at it like mad, i tell you.
there was this internal conflict within me on whether i should use it.
1st thought.'aiya, whatever la. just ram it up the part where my urine(or menstrual fluid) comes out.'
(oops. spot the mistake yet? i'll tell you in a short while.)
soooo, i decided to count down to three before that.
BUT, it was all talk, all think, no action.
when i tried to carry it out, i realised another retarded thing.
should i stand, sit or bend down while inserting?
how do i locate the part where it goes in?
am i supposed to look or something?
will it hurt when it goes in?
Questions.
i deliberated for a longggg time.
to swim or not to swim? to swim or not to swim? HOWWWWWW?!
2nd thought.'craps. forget it. forget swimming. i'll go to school and ASK.'
sooo, at school, i popped the question to the bakas during recess.
none of them tried it before.
this was a good sign because it signalled that i had made the right decision not to use it.
i even asked a guy! (yiyang.)
discreetly of course.
obviously, i didn't shout the question from across the classroom right.
Thanks to him, there was this hot discussion with the bakas on 'the three holes'.
and there was A LOTTT of giggling.
warning: the following content is crude. read at your own risk.According to bakapink and black, who i feel were more informative(about these things), there were three holes.
1. the arse hole. (in other words, the butt hole or your 屁股洞.)
2. the hole where urine comes out.
3. the menstrual hole.
and we were like going '这个洞，那个洞.' LOL.
sooooooo, i realised ONCE AGAIN, OMG.
i had made a terrible mistake.
Rectifying misconception: the urine hole and the menstrual hole are NOT the same.
at first, i didn't believe it.
i had been living for 16 years i didn't realise there were supposed to be three holes?! riddiculous. 我白活了.
so, i went to check the biology textbook, chapter 17 on reproduction in humans.
they were right.
there was a diagram on the left side view of the female's reproductive system which showed three passageways.
-right at the front is the URETHRA (urination occurs through here)
-behind it is the VULVA, which leads to the VAGINA or BIRTH CANAL. (menstuation here and where semen should be deposited.)
-and lastly, all the way to the back, the ANUS. (where your aromatic shit comes out.)
after that, they went on about how their class people (i'm not mentioning names) had tried to use a tampon and how they actually used a mirror to 'look' at the holes and see where the tampon should go in.
*laughs out loud*
eventually, after much discussion, we still had no idea how to locate the vulva.
gut feeling? mirror method?
the whole process of Q & A was so embarrassing, but i'm glad i finally knew about the three holes.
and they were also saying
THAT if you have sex, some form of barrier in the girl's vagina will be broken down and that's how a female, changes from virgin to non-virgin.
this i know. and THAT there'll be blood on your first-time.
this i don't.and THAT some wifes go for operation to become a virgin so as to cheat their husband.
this i know. i know such surgical operations exist because i read reader's digest. i vividly remember one article said that young girls in india who were forced into prostitution had to undergo such operations due to customer's preference for virgins.Thus, the questions were:
-why do wifes do that?
-why do husbands(guys in this case. no lesbians.) prefer virgins?
there's only one theory. and what better way to get it from a guy?
Male version(contributed by nixon): more 'pure' lorh.
inferences:
-non-virgin = impure.
-guys like bloody sex.
LOL.
and we came to a junction where it turned into a crossroad.(everyone had differing opinions.)
Question: How does the guy know where to stick his balls? (referring to how he knows the position of the menstrual hole when we girls already have trouble locating.)
the dialogues:
'if the guy is a virgin somemore, how huh? not awkward mehh?'
'come to think of it, there was a newspaper report on how a guy had stuck his penis into the wrong hole. (his girlfriend's urethra instead of her vulva.)'
'a guy will know if he watches porn.'
'yishu confirm know!'
'aiya. all guys know la. they are dirty-minded.'
'teens have sex at a very young age nowadays.'
'those people damn own la.'
'girls nowadays have a higher sperm count than guys.'
Conclusion: manufacturers should print instructions on how to use a tampon correctly and schools should educate us about the three holes. (i pity those who doesn't take biology. this is a one-in-a-lifetime update on your body! well, at least i'm sharing the tidbit of information with you people.)
Concluded suggestions after analysis:
bakapink: when you have sex, you'll know. *thinks awhile* get a good boyfriend. *nods*
bakablue: the guy will know one la! when you have a boyfriend, you'll want to do it. just DO it. '顺其自然.'
bakablack: it's very natural. follow your instincts.
bakapurple: dots. (doesn't want to think 'bout such things. in self-denial.)
bakared: just don't grow up laaaaa. no worries when you're a kid, 'ya know. 不用干这种事.
in the end, i decided to lead my happily-ever-after kid life and stay out of reach of tampons.
FULLSTOP.
*immitates usain bolt* -*poses with two fingers pointing victoriously like a bow in the direction somewhere beyondddddd*
(he's my inspiration okay! soooo one word of advice to everyone out there, who has trouble using tampons,
INSPIRE.)
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